Action vs. Words

I'm ugly.
That must be it.
He's probably just saying those things to make me feel better.
He's a nice guy, of course he's trying to be nice.
Sorry buddy but it's just not working.

OK, so maybe I'm not mirror shattering, set yourself on fire, butt ugly.
I know I'm at least not the level of good-looking that he's talking about.
Goddess, beautiful, sexy, puh-lease.
Words.
He won't even look at me without my shirt on.
I have a cute face, I'm tolerable.
There's nothing else, though, and I know it.

I'm probably the fattest girl he's dated,
And I feel myself getting bigger every day.
I can't get smooth and silky skin easily and my lotions smell wierd to him.
I can't blame him, wierd smells are a turn off for me too.

Maybe it's the scar on my stomach
Or my breath is chronic bad,
Or my boobs are too big.
Maybe I can't kiss good
Or I handle him just not well.
I don't know anymore.

I just wish he'd look at me the way he used to.
With love and passion and hope.
His eyes would light up when he saw me and he'd smile a lot more.
He'd laugh and I'd see joy and I'd be so happy.

But now...

When he turns off the lights,
Puts his earbuds in,
And turns the other way,
It just hurts.
A lot.

He doesn't mean to hurt me.
He just doesn't know.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

None the less, actions speak louder than words.
And "I love you" are still just words.

Alone

help
i'm drowning
and i can't get out.

Smile by Number

Always keep a smile on.
No matter what has happened.

800 customers walk through our door.
I serve 300 personally.
I work the drive through with a smile.
I work the register with a smile.
I serve food with a smile.
I scoop custard with a smile.
I clean with a smile.
I stand idle with a smile.

600 customers are already happy.
150 are grouchy to begin with.
50 can be made happy with a smile.
15 workers in restraunt.
All need to smile and/or laugh all the time.
8 actually do.
3 because they don't need to be seen by the customers.
5 because they are seen first in the front.
1 of them is I.

I want...

I want him to want me, as much as I want him.
I want him to hug me, cuddle me, snuggle me and kiss me.
I want passion and heat and excitement with only him.
I want us to violate the highschool 'no public display of affection' rule,
even if we're not in highschool anymore.
I want us to play and be best friends.
I want us to game together, teaming up as a pro-couple and being the best around.
I want us to talk to all night,
I want him to never want it to end.
I want him to wish I was there every day.
I want him to cherish every minute we're together,
I want him to see we don't have all the time in the world.
I want him to think of me as often as I think of him.
I want to be on his mind every second of every day.
I want him to want to make me happy
I want him to never give up on making me smile, even if it seem impossible.
I want him to think of how I feel.
I want him to be sad when we have to say good bye.
I want him to think of me when he's alone.
I want him to want to show me off, to friends and strangers alike.
I want this to seem so obvious to him.
I want to be his one true treasure.
I want, I want, I want.
I want him to want all this on his own,
Because if I just say I want... then he doesn't want me.

<Continue...?>

I'm playing this game again,
I've been to this level before and normally about now I begin to lose.
I go through life after life,
Guy after guy,
8-bit character after 8-bit character,
Learning from my last mistake but still failing for some unfathomable reason.

I become disheartened.
Lose my appeal for the game,
I wonder how so many can get past such a simple level.
And wonder how many others have failed,
And how many others have tried as many (if not more) times as me.

Worst of all, I feel it's something to do with me.
perhaps I'm too eager, but then I miss my chance.
Perhaps I'm too slow, but then I feel I miss things.
Mostly, I'm just not good enough.
That part is not a feeling, It's just a fact.

I don't want to lose again.

Wrong

Sinful and wrong, yes it's true
god i wish i didn't like you
not the way i do now,
no, just the way i used to.
Please let me not do more wrong,
i know i love you.
don't let me down,
just let me go.
i beg you,
don't hold me so.
don't think of me
as more than a friend.
just know, i'm here till the end.

A New...

I'll laugh.
I'll smile.
I'll hang.
I'll drive.
I'll drink.
I'll sleep.
I'll complain.
I'll starve.
I'll work.
I'll game.

The outside me cannot show the inside me.
No one can be trusted with the secrets within.
The secrets can try to crawl out, but they'll run back in.
Smile a happy smile, and people will smile because you smile.
Laugh a genuine laugh and people will laugh because you laugh.
Show that nothing can bring you down and they will be glad to know you.
Show you are a strong person, and people will believe it.

At night you can cry.
At night you can curl up.
At night you can be who you are.
But trust no one.
Don't let them see.
It's not worth it.